It’s a familiar sound. For the unknowing, it’s that weird gargle-y sound your stomach makes when you’ve had too much Mexican food. For others (probably the others that read this blog), it’s undeniably the hopeful sound of a new message on Grindr.
Well, I say hopeful.
Because, for anyone that’s been around the world of cyber dating a time or two, has undoubtedly been around long enough to categorize that digital chirp into one of few typical gentlemanly archetypes. It’s a time-tested theory that never fails.
So, without further ado, I present to you:
The Men I’ve Met Online, A Primer
1. A Blank Profile. Here’s a real toss-up, fellas. This person either has a legit career that he’s trying to protect with severe anonymity, or he’s a bonafide creeper, and unfortunately tonight you’re the prey. Or he could be both. My advice? Insist to see photos (“Send pix.”) upfront, or move the hell on. After all, if you’ve taken the time to thoroughly prepare your lists of favorite-movies-and-10-things-you-couldn’t-live-without, shouldn’t he?
2. The Lifetime-Movie-Esque Stalker. “Hi”, “Hey, you there?”, “What are you doing?”, “Hello?”…is about all you’re going to get out of him. No matter how many times you’ve ignored his previous messages, or politely declined his offers to meet up, Mr. Lifetime couldn’t take a hint if you slapped him in the face with a restraining order. Your best bet here is a swift click of the block button. And run-don’t-walk if you see him at the club.
3. The Boy Next Door. No, I mean literally- not some 7th Heaven re-run from 1998. Where did you come from? Have you NEVER seen me locking eyes with you the million-and-a-half times I’ve gone to get my mail? Rude.
*I totally get the irony of the picture I’ve chosen to illustrate #3, but, am I wrong?
4. My Body’s a Temple. Listen. We get it. You work out twice a day, live on a treadmill, and eat nothing but chicken and spinach all day long. The point here is that this rare breed typically only bares a washboard set of abs worthy of diamond-cutting as their profile pic. More than once they’ll advocate the use of “bro” and “dude” in conversation, and regularly reference their gym routine. “Nm. Just finished my arms circuit at the gym. U?”
5. Window’s Stock Photography….Guy. Can someone please delete this sunset from ever existing, because I guarantee it’s not one that I’ll ever be riding into. What is this supposed to tell me? What can I possibly hope to glean from this photo? You. didn’t. even. take. it. For those with an actual profile picture…liken this suitor to archetype number one.
6. The Tourist. Ahh, yes. The casual passerby. Really only good for one night. It’s up to you what that night will entail; but make the most of it, because the chances are that you’ll never hear from him again. There are two sub-categories of visitors to your town: (a) the type that’s literally in town for one-thing-and-one-thing-only and (b) the why-don’t-you-liiiiiiive-here kind. Remember, there are only these two types, so text with caution, my friend.
So that concludes our entry-level class to online suitors. Lucky for you this list is really all-encompassing of any virtual dating arena I’ve encountered, so learn these types well. I’ve always said, you can take the queen out the app, but you can’t take the app out of the queen.
Or…something like that.