How Not to Get a Second Date

1. Discuss intimately the details of your anger management issues on the first date. Tell me how you were nearly institutionalized for harming your siblings during your formative years, but that it’s all okay now because you’re medicated and haven’t had a relapse in a few months.

2. Ask me if I can appreciate a certain degree of discretion. When I ask you if you’re being discreet about your sexuality, you should reply, “Nah. It’s just that my boyfriend is out of town.”

3. Pose the question, “Are you conservative, or liberal?” and lead me to believe that you’re not referencing my political views. Then, immediately go in for the kill with a drunken, wet kiss. You know, the kind they write about in movies. Those slow-motion moments from the 90’s. Wait. Never mind.

4. Look absolutely nothing your profile picture. 

Split the check. No really, I insist.

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