Person 1: Hi!
Subtext: I hope you still remember me. This would be kind of embarrassing if you don’t. We met last night at the bar. You were pretty wasted and probably bad news, but then again I’m kind of attracted to hopeless wrecks.
Person 2: Hey.
Person 1: How’s it going?
Subtext: I’m kind of disappointed that you didn’t take me home with you last night. Maybe we can try this again, over like, I don’t know, pizza and beer or something? I mean, I don’t really drink beer. It’s just… Look, I’m trying to make this easy for you. You can even watch sports.
Person 2: Good. U?
Subtext: I’ve really got to stop giving my phone number out when I’m drunk.
Person 1: Lol, I’m good 2! Maybe we can grab dinner or something sometime?
Subtext: Wait. Did you go home with someone else last night? I’m not paranoid or clingy or anything. But, now I’m thinking I vaguely recall you leaving the bar with that other guy. I thought you had just gone to the bathroom or something, but then you never came back.
Person 2: Yeah, sounds good. Just hit me up sometime.
Subtext: I am kind of hungry.
Person 1: Awesome. Can’t wait!
Subtext: You did, didn’t you? You totally hooked up with someone else. I love it when you disguise your general emotional unavailability with a good old-fashioned game of playing hard to get. God. You’re so hot right now. So. Hot.
Person 2: Cool. C ya.
Subtext: Call of Duty time.
Person 1: Bye! 🙂
Subtext: What should I wear? Also, is this an inappropriate time to change my Facebook status to “It’s complicated”? I’m not trying to jump the gun or anything, but I really don’t feel like it’d be completely out of line, and I’d rather people know upfront that I’m unavailable, you know. Avoids confusion later. I mean, this is kind of complicated; my infatuation for you, with your tribal tattoos by which any other standard I would probably ridicule. But somehow they work for you. They just do. Go you.